i got permanently sterilized. and now i’m a parent.

I have known for awhile that I never wanted to parent.

Everyone has their own reasons, of course. Mine are multi-layered, as i’m sure many of yours are. i don’t think it’s ethical to bring children of my own into this world when there are so many children needing homes. i am terrified i would traumatize my kids.

i’ve also been through a lot helping to raise my younger siblings, and after surviving their teenage years i am completely traumatized out of wanting to parent on my own.

This year I finally got my long anticipated bilateral salpingectomy. one of the best days of my life, i was so happy not having the fear of pregnancy hanging over my head anymore.

well. i have a younger sister who has self-diagnosed borderline personality disorder . she accidentally got pregnant at 16 and my parents took custody of my nephew and have raised him as their own. she basically abandoned him. however, last year she had another child. and she specifically told me that she wants to prove to my parents that she can parent.

except she can’t. she’s essentially dumped my nephew onto me so she can pursue a “career” being a server at a riverside bar. i love him to death and feel like i have to save him from her. she will go days without seeing him, forget to buy formula, leave him in the same clothes for multiple days in a row etc.

i struggle to have boundaries with her bc she threatens to cut me out of his life anytime she feels criticized by me.

anyway, here i am parenting an 11 month old while working a fulltime job and three part time jobs. i don’t go out anymore, i don’t do anything except work and parent. i am choosing this, to some degree, because i believe he is safest and healthiest with me. but i am really struggling with the transition and loss of sleep, free time, and my own identity.

i feel guilty because i love him but i also have resentment inside me because i never wanted this.

just needed to share this somewhere because i feel awful feeling even the slightest bit of resentment towards a baby who didn’t fucking choose to be here.

i got permanently sterilized. and now i’m a parent.