I dread being around or caring for children.
I found this out when my sister was born 10 years after me, and I had to be a part of the baby care and child rearing. I’ve spent my teen and early adult life realizing I cannot stand children.
They trigger my anxiety- the noise, the mess, the clinginess, the things they like.
I also fear pregnancy more than anything else, and I know I’d be a bad parent. I think that pregnancy and parenting would absolutely destroy me emotionally, and put me in a very dark place. I think I would, as a perfectionist, put way too much pressure on my child. I would also probably either be a very cold parent, who ignores their children, or a yelling one.
My parents also, despite not being terrible, weren’t great, and I don’t think I could break the cycle. I was ignored, fat-shamed, and had the things I liked laughed at and made fun of. I was held to the highest standard, and anything that wasn’t perfect was met with judgement.
I have joked for several years that I will never have children. Only now- as I realize that my parents weren’t great, as I realize how much of it is because of me, not kids, do I feel like a failure. I feel weak.