I’m mf tired of this shit

I have some real bad anxiety and don’t have the easiest time making friends. Like, I’ll be friendly, but I do not like going to people’s houses and I don’t like other people in my apartment. In my mindset your home is supposed to be a tranquil peaceful place, and to visit completely unannounced feels like a violation of some kind.

Anywho, I ALSO have the absolute worst time with being a little too friendly and not knowing when shits gone too far. I’m socially a little off, I’ll be honest. Like, even if I’m downright terrified of speaking to anybody I don’t know I will force myself to keep humoring people when they start small talk or I’ve helped people get on the bus when they were short some cents.

I made this mistake some months ago and today it finally came to head. Back in winter when where I live the snow was almost at thigh level, I ended up waiting at the bus stop when this guy just pops up and starts introducing himself. I’m tired, it’s like 7 a.m., its dark out, I’m internally freaking out, but the guy keeps talking and I learn that we’re headed to the same job, he was a new hire, this was his first day. Our bus was super late from the snow, I called the higher ups for both of us and let them know I had the new hire with me, we were fine, but he wouldn’t stop freaking talking. I give him my name and he gets all excited and tells me I have the same name as his son’s mom. Yuck. Okay well whatever, he keeps telling me all of these wonderful qualities about his son, I’m phasing most of it out, we get to our job, and that’s that.

Or so I thought.

I go to the nearby corner store today and there he is, ol dude with his raspy voice in his hoodie and Nike slides. Grown ass man, dressed like he’s 17. I’m on my phone but he gets in my face about why I never say hi back to him. I give in, I talk to him, turns out he quit not too long ago and is struggling. I let him know I quit in March and still unemployed so I know his pain, etc etc etc. I’m trying to get some cool drinks and gtfo but this guy follows me. The goddamn cashier hands HIM my bag of drinks and I’m just perplexed af like wtf is even happening. I ask him in the parking lot for my bag, me being paranoid, I don’t go straight to my apartment. He lives in the building next to me so I guess he thought I was hinting at wanting to go inside because he starts asking me if I want my drinks with vodka or gin. I cut him off and I let him know I don’t drink, but his son comes out and well, one thing after another I end up chatting with this guy as his son runs back to the store with cash from his dad because his Dad, this dude, wont give me my damn bag. He gets comfy, sits on the sidewalk and starts talking about the last time we spoke on the bus that day. He remembers me mentioning I’m dating a woman…aaaaand here come the bingoes.

Him: So one of yall got kids right? You can’t like, just get married and not have kids.

Me: Yeah nah man, sorry. None of us has kids.

Him: For real? Aren’t you like, 30?

Me: Yeah I’m about 30, but it just didn’t happen for me, and I don’t want kids.

Him: Naw naw all women want a kid, you just haven’t been with the right man. *he starts to stand back up*

Me: *grabs my bag finally* I’ve been with several. 8 actually, and never wanted a kid with either of them.

Him: Come be with me, a real man, I’ll get you pregnant in no time since you a freak.

Me: *literally flashing back to every pervert I had to fight off when I lived in a major U.S. city* Fuck off man, wtf I just said I’m dating someone.

Him: Okay? And? No ring, no problem and dating another bitch isn’t helping you. I’ll keep you safe *at this point I walked away finally and angry eyeballed his kid who finally came back*

I’m just tired of this. What’s so hard to respect about someone who doesn’t want kids, I don’t want them ESPECIALLY not with a guy that cant keep a girlfriend for more than half a year. I’m tired of being told I just haven’t found the right man. It shouldn’t always revolve around a fucking man goddammit I just hate this redneck ass city. There goes yet again another place I have to avoid going to now ffs…

I’m mf tired of this shit