Why is it ok that we are the de facto scapegoat?

My BIL is renovating his cabin. It is completely torn apart right now. My husband has come out to help him once last year and now the two of us have come out for a second time to help.

When we got to BIL’s home, he was severely depressed, and shut down whenever H brought up going to the cabin. Finally after a few days, BIL felt well enough to come to the cabin so we arrived here this evening, planning to spend just a couple of days to do some planning without overwhelming BIL.

One of the neighbors stopped by to discuss the renos and asked if we were staying through the week. ‘Oh, no,’ says BIL, ‘rhandom66 can’t stay here more than a day or two.’

Say effing what?? I have no problem being here and expected to be here for two weeks, helping when I could and staying out of the way when I couldn’t.

I know that BIL threw me under the bus because, of course, no one would question, and everyone would understand, that it’s the WOMAN’s fault that we can’t spend much time here. He could have just as easily said, ‘oh no, we’re only planning to stay a couple of days’, but no… let’s just throw rhandom66 under the bus instead because it’s easier and won’t trigger any questions.

I have seen this, and experienced this my whole life. Regardless of the real reason, boop – there goes the woman under the bus as an easy excuse as to why the men can’t do something.

After N left and I calmed myself down a bit I called BIL on it and said that I have no problem being here so if I’m the reason why we haven’t come out, then that should change. ‘Oh, oh, no… it’s not because of you… it’s because of how I feel.’

So why do we automatically get thrown under the bus anytime a man needs an excuse for something?? Surely I’m not the only one this happens to.

Why is it ok that we are the de facto scapegoat?